The Life You Hoped Would Be

“Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”   John Piper

This quote came across my Face Book news feed recently, and it impacted me deeply. I rarely allow myself to think about the life I’d hoped would be. Since my life has forever been changed, I have thought it quite futile, and perhaps even harmful to think about what might have been. What-if’s and regrets often try to enter my thinking, but I’ve trained myself to resist those things for the most part, and move on.

But, every now and then, the thoughts and feelings come on really strong, and I find that I cannot resist them. So I struggle in my heart and head with how to deal with them. For example, I often see grandparents with their grandkids in the park and at community events, and I see the joy they get from playing with them, showing them the beauties of nature, and just running around together. I wonder sometimes what it will be like when my own children begin to have babies. Will I be able to play with my grandchildren when they get to that park and playground age? Unless something changes dramatically, no. How will this affect my relationship with them? Will they love their other, more capable grandma more than me? Will they want to spend time with me if all I can do is watch them from the park bench? These are the “already-not-yet” kinds of thoughts that can bring me down.

What about you, friend? How are you doing with the loss of the life you’d hoped would be? I wanted to share this quote with you, just in case you are struggling with whether you will ever get over your loss. I love the way John Piper has worded this permission to grieve. I have never believed that we can get completely over any loss, and a life lived in chronic pain or disability is certainly a loss. It is a loss of what could have been, what we’d hoped would be. And it is a loss that is renewed each day. You can’t “move on” from chronic pain and disability when you must face it 24/7/365.

And so, as John Piper so graciously says, we must occasionally “weep deeply over the life we hoped would be.” It’s OK to think about the fun you would have had, the functional body you would have enjoyed, and the simple pleasure of just being comfortable—pleasures that now, without a miracle, will never be yours this side of heaven.  And when you think about it, it is OK to cry, and to cry hard. You absolutely must grieve when grief comes too fast to outrun. And so, as you cry over your loss, God collects your tears in His bottle. He does not forget your pain, your loss, or your sadness.

Why does Piper say, “Wash your face?” I had to think about that a little bit. After crying hard, it does feel good just to soak a washcloth in hot water and lay it over your face. This does two things—it brings comfort, because it feels really good; and it gives you a moment between crying over the loss of what you wanted, and returning to what you have. A moment to pray; a moment to thank God for His comfort; a moment to grow in your faith as you learn to trust Him.

And then what? “Embrace the life you have.” Notice he doesn’t just say, “Accept the life you have.” There is a big difference between embracing and accepting. Accepting says, “Oh well, it is what it is. I’ll have to make the best of it.” Accepting means I will do my best to keep doing as much as I can, but some things will have to go. Accepting implies defeat.

Embracing, on the other hand, says, “This was not in my plans, but it obviously was in God’s, so I will trust Him for the outcome.” Embracing a loss requires a decision on my part. I must decide in my heart that I believe God when He says He knows what’s best for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and that He will see me through it (Proverbs 3:5-6).  I must decide to follow and obey Him no matter what is going on with my body.  Embracing implies welcoming God’s provision; his plan for making me more like His precious son. I have seen many good things come from my own loss, as I’ve shared with you here a few times. Christ is a redeemer, and He redeems not just our souls, but our lives. There is no loss you have suffered that Christ cannot replace and then some, if you are willing to embrace His plan and look for His purpose in it.

My dear sister, whatever loss you are facing today, I hope you will join me (and John Piper) in grieving it honestly, trusting God fully, and embracing the good things you are sure to gain. He is faithful, and He loves you. Watch and see the glory He will bring from your loss. And when you see it, praise Him! Hallelujah! What a Redeemer! What a Savior!

Answered Prayer!

I have written a lot here on the blog about coping with pain and suffering, trusting God in trials, and persevering in a body that doesn't work the way I’d like it to. Maybe, in reading all these posts, you’ve come to the conclusion that I've given up on the possibility that God may one day heal me. I want you to know today that that is most certainly not the case. Through all my striving to live a life that is pleasing to God in this body that doesn't work the way He intended, I have never stopped asking Him to heal me. I know with 100% certainty that He is able to do it, and I have never had any doubt that, if He thought that it was the best thing for me, He would heal me.

There have been many times over the years that I have tried various medical options to improve my situation: Minor and major surgery; physical therapy; joint supplements; injections; painful massage techniques, topical and oral medications, acupuncture, and the list goes on and on. I have had many people praying for me, and sought wisdom as I decided whether to try each of these things that offered me some hope of relief. Each time, I have hoped that whatever I was trying would work, and each time I was disappointed. Some treatments even made me worse.

So, I stopped trying. After the last failed attempt to fix this, I dusted off my white flag of surrender and waved it at God. I told Him that, if I could be of better use to Him in this condition, then I was willing to live out the rest of my life this way. I cried out my complaint to Him, just to make sure He knew how much I still didn't like this new normal. I grieved the loss of my mobility and comfort, and then I told Him that I was ready to “cease striving” and acknowledge that He is God and He knows what is best for me. I had reached a point of contentment in my heart. I truly sensed a new kind of peace that I had never known before. My dear Friend and Father desired to occupy this broken body, and it was a grace and a privilege that He would abide in me.

And then He sent something new. I wrote about it in another post a while back, as I was debating whether or not to try this new modality that I’d heard about. I wanted to make sure that my surrender had not waned, and that I was prepared to press on if the therapy didn’t work, or even if it caused a setback. I wrestled, prayed, sought advice from many friends, and did a lot of research on the technique before I decided to take the plunge and try it. The Lord led me to a wonderful physical therapist who respected my limits, and truly seemed to desire to help me. I know that this was of God because I was never fearful or anxious about her work on me, and I was able to trust in Him completely.

This therapy was bathed in much prayer, and today I very joyfully share with you that the pain and disability I have suffered for the last 5 years has been remarkably lessened! The anatomical problems created by the surgery are still there, but the pain is very significantly reduced. I really cannot believe how much better I feel, and I am so very thankful for my dear loving Father, who waited until just the right time to bring me some relief. Perhaps He was waiting for me to be content only in Him. I really don’t know His reasons for allowing me to feel so much better. I only know that there is a purpose in His timing, just as there is a purpose in my suffering.

So, now what? I’m not 100% healed, and there will still be some things I cannot do, but the pain, which was the hardest thing to bear, has eased. Now that the therapy has ended, many questions come to my mind: What if it slowly goes back to the way it was? What if the pain begins to creep back? What if I have to go back to the limitations that were so difficult to live with? How will I cope? How will I not lose heart?

I believe I have good answers to these questions, and I will share those with you in my next post. But, for now, won’t you rejoice with me in this miracle? The Lord has seen fit to answer my prayers for pain relief and for a more functional body. How about you? Are you asking God for healing, or have you given up? Do you still believe that He can heal you? I know it is hard to keep believing and asking when all signs say you've been denied, but I want to encourage you today, friend, to persevere in prayer:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7

Yodh

Yodh

Your hands have made me and fashioned me;

Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.

Those who fear You will be glad when they see me,

Because I have hoped in Your word.

I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are right, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort,

According to Your word to Your servant.

Let your tender mercies come to me, that I may live;

For your law is my delight.

Let the proud be ashamed,

For they treated me wrongfully, with falsehood;

But I will meditate on Your precepts.

Let those who fear You turn to me,

Those who know your testimonies.

Let my heart be blameless regarding Your statutes,

That I may not be ashamed.

This portion of Psalm 119 (verses 73-80), is titled "Yodh" in my Bible, and it has been my inspiration as I have studied and trained to become a Biblical counselor. Today, I would like to share with you how this portion of Psalm 119 has encouraged and instructed my progress. 

Your hands have made me and fashioned me;

Give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments.

God made me the way that I am. He formed my personality, provided things throughout my life that shaped my character, and He is still instructing my heart each day, even to the present moment. Daily I ask Him to help me understand His Word, both for my own edification, and for the encouragement and instruction of my counselees and friends.

Those who fear You will be glad when they see me,

Because I have hoped in Your word.

People come to the counseling center hoping to be encouraged in whatever they are walking through today. Few believers seek counseling because they are happy and rejoicing in their trial. They are anxious, fearful, depressed, or sick. Yet, they are believers who love the Lord and fear God. My hope is that, after we have visited a few (sometimes many) times, they will be glad. But I don't want them to be glad because of my words. I want them to be glad because their time with me has helped them to understand his Word, and to apply it to their circumstance. I want my hope in the Word and promises of God to be highly contagious, so that they begin to "catch" it, too.

I know, O LORD, that Your judgments are right, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.

This line is key to my effectiveness as a biblical counselor. If I do not know for sure that my affliction is for my good and His glory, and that it is a sign of His faithfulness to me, I will never convince my counselee of it. The Lord has ordained my affliction in order to make me more like His precious Son. When I am more like Him, I will be able to bring glory to God, which is the very reason I was created (Isaiah 43:7)! I must be able to show my counselee from Scripture that God has a purpose in her suffering, and that He is faithful.

Let, I pray, Your merciful kindness be for my comfort,

According to Your word to Your servant.

Again, if I am to persuade my counselee that God is merciful and kind, I must be able to show her this truth from the Scriptures. Regardless of her trial, God's Word has promised that He will comfort and keep her through it. Even a cursory glance through the Psalms will show her this truth. 

Let your tender mercies come to me, that I may live;

For your law is my delight.

Counselees are not typically delighting in God's law when they come for the first time. They are discouraged, frustrated, and sometimes angry at God. But, if they do not begin to see God's hand and His mercy in their circumstance, that will not change. Though He is faithful when we are not, He does bring circumstances for our discipline and growth. He desires a response that begins to change from discouragement to delight. This is the very heart of counseling. This is where my own testimony comes to bear on our relationship. When I share my story of pain, suffering, and loss, I make sure they see God's mercies in  it, as I have. Together, we begin to see how God's law truly can be our delight once again.

Let the proud be ashamed,

For they treated me wrongfully, with falsehood;

But I will meditate on Your precepts.

Many of our counselees have come for help because they have been treated wrongfully. They have been hurt by someone who sinned against them. Virtually all sin is rooted in pride, and David pretty much covers all sinners by referring to them as "the proud." Though they may never have shame in their behavior, the believer can learn to respond rightly, by meditating on God's precepts rather than being angry or bitter.

Let those who fear You turn to me,

Those who know your testimonies.

Most people who come for biblical counseling are at least professing believers. They fear God, yet they need someplace to turn to help them apply His Word in their trial. Though it is often a last resort, those who fear God will come for biblical counseling precisely because they know His testimonies, and they need help with application.

Let my heart be blameless regarding Your statutes,

That I may not be ashamed.

Though I know of course that I will never be without sin in this life, my desire is to follow Christ as closely as I can. I must continually plead with the Lord that His Spirit would help me to escape temptation toward sinful attitudes and actions. Though we are all hypocrites, I must never come to a counseling or discipling opportunity knowing that there is unconfessed, willful sin in my life. My prayer is that the Lord will reveal to me my sin so that I confess, repent, and come to this role unashamed.

I continue to be inspired by all of God's Word, but this little gem, tucked away in the middle of the longest of the Psalms, has been special to me. What Scripture inspires you most? What is your go-to passage for encouragement and help?