Our Cancer Journey, Part One

It's been nearly two years since I posted anything on this blog. So much has happened, and I have grown a great deal in the Lord since my last post. In that post, I expressed my heart's desire for more of Christ, and I believe the Lord has fulfilled that through some difficult trials in the interim. My hope today is to share with you some of those trials, and to express in a way that is helpful to you, how the Lord has worked in my heart through them. Everything that has happened has had these things in common--disease, pain, fear, and God's faithfulness. I'm sure I won't get them all out in this one post, so my plan is to post something each week or so. We'll see if that's God's plan too...

I stopped writing this blog because I was writing pretty frequently for another blog, which was associated with the counseling center where I worked. That job became pretty much full time, and I eventually had no time to write at all, for anyone. I was counseling, directing the online training program for the Counseling Center, and was pretty much consumed with all things Biblical Counseling.

The End of Life as We Knew It
All that came to a screeching halt when my husband was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML) in May of 2018. This was devastating news that came through a phone call when I was in the middle of a Skype counseling session. I hung up with my counselee and left to join my husband at the doctor's office, where we were told that he must start immediate treatment. Within 24 hours, we were at the hospital and he was receiving chemo, while the doctors searched the registry for a stem cell transplant donor. AML is an aggressive form of blood cancer. They said they could probably get it into remission with chemo, but they were already pretty sure he would need a transplant for long term survival.

What followed is now a blur of hospital days: Calling relatives to tell them about the diagnosis; racing to make it in time for morning rounds at the hospital after circling endlessly to find a parking space; trying to encourage my husband by reading Psalms to him and just being there; hours of calls with  insurance reps and the transplant coordinator; long drives back and forth, during which I shed many tears and cries to the Lord.

The Battle: Fear vs Faith
Most of those cries were pleas that He would allow me to keep my husband. Throughout this time, I was terrified that John would die. I prayed and begged the Lord to let me keep him. John is truly my soul mate. We were married in Reno before we really even knew each other (long story) but even then, God knew that these two wretched, hell-bound sinners would one day come to know and serve Him. At the time of the diagnosis, we'd been married 32 years, and the thought that he might be taken from me by this disease was inconceivable to me. Yet as I watched him grow weaker and sicker over those weeks, I simply could not stop the fear from growing in my heart.

I would like to say that I immersed myself in the love of God, and was able to conquer the fear that plagued me. But that is not what happened. Each day at the hospital as he slept, I graded papers from the online students, read novels, or scrolled through social media. In the evenings, when I finally collapsed in my recliner after choking down some dinner and packing for the next day, I escaped my fears through Netflix or talking to friends on the phone. In the mornings, I read my Bible and prayed, often crying out to God for help. Yet, when I closed my Bible and walked away, I shifted to self-sufficiency/protection mode, and got in gear to go fight for my husband's life. I was certainly dependent on God, but I wasn't thinking that way. He was holding me up in ways I didn't even know at the time.

Creator, Sustainer
One thing God did during the whole course of this process was sustain me physically. If you've read the earlier posts to this blog, you know that I have a chronic pain condition caused by a bad knee replacement over ten years ago. Well, that knee held up under more walking than I have probably ever done since that surgery. I had very little pain, which was a great blessing because I had zero time for any treatments. The Lord supplied plenty of adrenaline and everything else I needed physically to keep me well and mostly pain free throughout the time of that first intensive treatment.

I'm going to stop here for now, because I don't want these posts to be too long. This is a pretty long story, but hang in there with me and come back, because I think you will be encouraged as you see the faithfulness of God throughout this journey. And (I'll just come right out and say this), these posts will benefit me too. I've struggled with a number of physical and emotional issues since John's apparent recovery (we'll know for sure if he's 'cured' in August of next year), and a number of wise counselors have advised me to write out our story. I figured I might as well do it here, in the hope that others will benefit. Thank you for reading thus far. I hope you will join me again soon for the next installment.