Our Cancer Journey, Part Six: Parking Lots, Swimming Pools, and God's Grace

Last time, I shared with you some of the duties and responsibilities of the caregiver in a stem cell transplant case. Reading back through that post, I am reminded of how gracious the Lord was to me during that time. Actually, from the time of the diagnosis and onward through treatment, God kept giving gifts and answering prayers. The most remarkable gift He gave me was a relatively pain-free season! I was sure that with all of the walking I was doing during his hospitalizations, coupled with having no time for the regular therapy I receive, I would be in a great deal of pain. I worried that the high standards of house cleaning would put me over the edge, and I would surely be in trouble. But by God’s grace, that was not the case! In fact, this period of time was probably the best my leg has felt in a while. There were a number of things like this, which God just took care of for me. Even finding a parking spot at the hospital each day was superintended by the Lord, and most days I had no problem. (If you know anything about parking at a major university medical center, then you know what I’m talking about!)

Life in Isolation
For the first 100 days after transplant, John was not allowed to leave our home, nor could he be alone. So if I wanted or needed to go anywhere, I had to find someone to come over and stay with him while I was gone. There were several people who volunteered to shop or run errands for me, and this was very helpful. (Also sanctifying, because I had to accept and appreciate others’ methods and choices in the shopping. This was a real eye opener for me, how very controlling and particular I am!) But I got a little stir crazy, and needed to get out occasionally. I also needed my regular visits to the pool to keep my joints moving and to keep up the strength I needed in those days. The Lord was, once again, so very gracious, providing several men who were willing to come over and visit with John while I went to the pool two days a week. The Lord knew how much I needed that water therapy to keep my leg going for all of the work he’d called me to in this season, and He provided it. What a loving Father He is!

This isolation brought growth in yet another area, regarding loneliness. I am a “people person,” and have never been one who enjoys a lot of alone time. God, in His wisdom, knew that this was an area where I needed to grow so He used it (God wastes nothing) to show me how dependent I had become on the company of friends. He closeted me with just Himself, and I began to see that, though I was physically and circumstantially alone (John was here but not really present), I began to have a sense of His presence with me during that time. My need of Him grew as the isolation went on, and I became more and more aware of His presence with me. It was a very special time of growth for me. I spent more time in the Word and in prayer, and developed a new appreciation for friendship with the Lord which has stayed with me.

Something Must Change
One other conviction I had during this time was the level to which I had allowed my biblical priorities to slip. I had begun working at a biblical counseling center several years earlier, and my role there had become quite consuming. What had started as an intention to do some counseling had morphed into a number of roles that added up to almost full-time work. As the days went on after transplant, I realized how low my role as wife and homemaker had sunk in my priorities, and how elevated my counseling center job had become in how I used my time and energy. As each day passed after transplant and John improved, both the hope that he was going to make it and the realization that something needed to change, grew. It was clear that I needed to come back home and realign my priorities biblically. I resigned from my job and began handing down my responsibilities.

The Lord taught me so much during those 100 days, but the main lesson I came away with is that He is God and I am not. Of course I knew this before, but during this time it became clear to me that I was not living this truth. I was not submitted to His will for my life; I didn’t trust Him to see me through hard things; and I had way too much hope and confidence in myself and my own sufficiency. He taught me these lessons through a thousand tiny details and a few grand revelations. He was gracious and oh so merciful to me, and it has made me a more grateful, humble (I hope) Christian. Next time, I’ll share with you how these new perspectives were challenged when the 100 days were over and some freedoms returned.

Three Strategies to Beat Self-Pity

Self-pity, like every other sin issue we may face as we deal with our pain and disability, is a thinking problem. But, like every other thinking problem, it begins in the heart. Proverbs 4:23 tells us to guard our hearts, because everything else—thoughts included—flows out of it. So, as the pain becomes more intense, limitations are increased, and life changes yet again, we must diligently guard our hearts against the trap of self-pity. Self-pity is a direct path away from God because it means we have turned our focus to ourselves: Our pain, our loss, our sorrow, and our sadness. As these become bigger and bigger in our thinking, God’s place in our minds becomes smaller and smaller.

So, we know that we must guard our hearts against self-pity, but how? What are the practical steps to take so that we won’t indulge it this time, and the temptation won’t be so strong next time? I believe there are three things that have to happen in our hearts and minds before we will be able to overcome self-pity.

Biblical View of God

Before you can begin to address your view of yourself and your problem, you must have a biblical view of God. Many times, we who suffer with physical pain are perplexed that a good and loving God could allow us to be in such agony. If He loved us, we muse, He would heal and relieve us of our affliction. But wait. Is that really true? What does the Bible say about the goodness of God? I challenge you to do a study on this subject. You will find that none of the proclamations of God’s goodness are dependent on our circumstances or the outcome of our plans. God is God, and He is who He says He is regardless of what is happening in my life or yours. Read A.W. Pink’s The Attributes of God to fully inform your heart of who God is.

Biblical Grief

No matter what the cause of your pain or disability, it constitutes a loss. Maybe you are less mobile, less able to walk, stand, and move. Maybe you’re no longer able to drive, or your pain has caused you to give up favorite hobbies or activities. Perhaps you have friends with whom you no longer share a common interest, and they don’t come around as much. Whatever loss you have sustained, have you grieved it biblically? Have you cried to the Lord about your loss, and told Him how much it hurts? If not, this may be one reason you struggle with self-pity.

I am not saying that you should blame God, or whine at Him. There is such a thing as biblical complaint, and David was a master of it! Get a study Bible and look up the Psalms of Lament for a model and pattern of how to cry out to God about your loss. Dear friend, your life changing pain or disability marks a significant loss, and you must grieve that loss before you can leave self-pity behind. Bob Kelleman’s book, God’s Healing for Life’s Losses is an excellent guide for processing through your sorrow. I use and highly recommend this journaling approach to biblical grief.

Biblical submission

Finally, if we want to get out of self-pity, we must learn biblical submission. Submission is not a word that many people like. In fact, some equate it with oppression! But in biblical terms, submission is a true source of joy. When we submit our hearts to our loving and merciful God, trusting Him for our lives, we can rest. We no longer have to strive with discontentment, dissatisfaction, or self-pity when we know that the loving, all-powerful creator and sustainer of the universe has ordained our circumstances for our good and His glory. What more could we want than to be directly in line with the will of God?

When you are biblically submitted to God, you will not only peacefully accept the condition of your body, but you will thank Him for it! Why? As Paul says in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, we can give thanks in all circumstances because they are God’s will for us in Christ Jesus. Think about this, my dear sister: God thought of you and me, desired to make us more like His precious Son, and came up with the perfect plan to do it! Granted, this might not have been our first choice of how to make that happen, but who are we to argue with God? Read Job 40 and 41 for a glimpse into God’s mind when we question Him!

There is much more that I could say about self-pity. If you’d like to learn more, you can purchase a recording of a breakout session that I did on this subject at last year’s B3 conference, here. The bottom line though, like just about every counseling issue, is knowing who God is, trusting Him, and honestly walking through each day very near to our Healer.