“I am a complete fraud.”
I said these words to my friend yesterday morning, as I tearfully shared with her how hopeless I felt. For some reason, my pain issues have intensified over the last few days and when that happens, the battle in my mind to keep thinking biblically about it becomes furious. I struggle against weariness, hopelessness, and sorrow when pain keeps me from doing things with my family. It is easy to become sad or bitter about the past, and fearful about the future when even the least amount of activity causes great discomfort.
Sometimes, I lose that battle and yesterday was one of those days. Interestingly, they often happen on Mondays. Maybe it’s because there are more missed opportunities on the weekends, or I overdo because I just want to be with people and do what they’re doing. Whatever the reason and whatever the day, when I lose the fight against unbiblical thinking; when I feel crushed and abandoned by God; and when I just can’t keep fighting any more, I really do feel like a big faker. I write about thinking biblically here on the blog, and I point out to my counselees the “stinkin’ thinkin’” in which they’ve gotten stuck. But then, when it comes to my own life, I can’t keep it together. Maybe I shouldn’t be counseling other believers, writing a blog, or trying to encourage anyone if I can’t even apply my own counsel!
But then the next day comes, or the day after that, and I’ll wonder what got into me as I cried to my friend. Even if the pain doesn’t improve or is worse, I know that my heart will line right back up with Scripture, and I will have joy and peace again. How do I know this? Because Christ lives in me. I am not the same. I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). It is He who will direct my thinking back into truth. Philippians 4:6 tells me that if I pray and ask the Lord to help, He will guard my heart and mind and give me peace that surpasses comprehension. Proverbs 3:5 and 6 tells me that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart, not trying to figure things out for myself, acknowledging His right to reign and rule in my life, He will straighten out my thinking. My only obligation is to be in the Word often, so that He can use it to help me. Countless times, He has brought back to my mind those verses and passages that are so comforting to me and are etched in my mind. It is the power of His Holy Spirit that will draw me out of my own “stinkin’ thinkin,’” and back into His truth. Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).
So, I will continue to counsel other struggling Christians. I will continue to write here on the blog about my own struggle, honestly sharing my battle against the flesh, and hoping to encourage some. Praise God, I do not have to be perfect to be useful! His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9), so I will boast often about my weaknesses. And I am very hopeful that, on that day when I meet the Lord and He gives me my glorified body, I will hear with those glorified ears, “Well done!” On that day, I will raise my glorified arms, jump for joy on my glorified feet, and fall to my glorified knees in praise and adoration of my dear precious Healer.