Our Cancer Journey, Part Seven: Anxiety, Microbes, and the Sovereignty of God

In my last post, I shared with you all the ways God graciously provided for us during the 100 days of isolation required after a stem cell transplant. Those three-plus months were probably some of the most difficult of my life. Every part of me—spiritual, physical, and emotional— was stretched to new limits and the Lord was incredibly faithful to give me all the flexibility I needed to accommodate those demands.

Battling Fear...Again
Our 100 days of isolation ended on November first, which is pretty much the start of cold and flu season here in the Midwest. This is when the fear and anxiety really began for me. For the first few months after diagnosis, it was all business, as far as I was concerned. I guess you could say I am a doer. When there is something to be done, I get busy doing it. I’ve never been a procrastinator. So, in this case, I quickly shifted from shock at the diagnosis to full-on task mode: Get to the hospital before rounds each morning. Get John’s laundry done. Get the bills paid, insurance ironed out, medications sorted, house cleaned. Get the guest room set up for him to come home; line up guys to come sit with him while I swim, and on and on the to-do list went. By the grace of God, I was up for the challenge, and we survived that first 100 days.

Because of the pace of life during that period, I really didn’t have time to worry about much. I was focused on doing everything to the best of my ability to keep John well. But, after the 100 days, when requirements were somewhat relaxed, I did begin to have some time on my hands and, as has been my habit for years, my mind tended to go to the “what-ifs,” especially regarding illnesses. I became very anxious about the possibility that he could get an infection of some kind as we were venturing back out into the world. When we inquired about precautions to take, the doctors had told us that if I was exposed to a virus, I could pass it on to him without ever actually coming down with it myself! I had never known before that, even if you fight off a virus or bacteria, you could be shedding it in the process to everyone you are close to. 

Panic vs Prayer
At that point, John was still not going out much, but after hearing that from the doctor, I began to be fearful of every little sneeze or cough I heard when I was out and about. I was so afraid that I would unknowingly bring home some devastating illness that I was obsessive about hand sanitizer, and refused to be around anyone who even remotely seemed like they might be sick. If I happened to learn someone I’d seen was sick, I would worry for the next three days until I was sure I hadn’t caught it.  In some ways, it was reasonable to be extra cautious, but I began to see that there was an issue with my trust in God when the anxiety really peaked. It was a constant discipline I had to engage with my mind, to remind myself that God is sovereign over microbes, and that if He had ordained for John to get some kind of infection, then His will would be accomplished in it and He would be with us through it.

I had such a sense of responsibility for John’s well being—really his very life—because it had been so thoroughly drilled into my head during the “education” portion of treatment. That voice that told me his life was in my hands often out-shouted the voice of truth, that God was in control and that He loved us and had a purpose in everything He allowed. I’m not going to say it was easy, or that I had victory every time. But, over the course of that flu season, the Lord continued to help me correct my thinking and He comforted me oh, so many times. He was, and still is, so very patient with me, and I am grateful.

Opportunities to Trust

Even now it is flu season again, and John has actually come down with a couple of illnesses. But each time his own immune system, with the help of an antibiotic when necessary, has kicked in and he has recovered. The Lord was so kind to wait until I had learned to trust Him in it before bringing these sicknesses. He always knows just when and how much to pinch this clay as he molds and shapes me! He gave me that whole long winter to build my trust in this area (with the help of the Holy Spirit, of course), before a real sickness came along.

I continue to marvel at the way God works. His patience and love for us could fill my thoughts for hours. His love and protection for my heart, and His sweet friendship became more and more real as the weeks and months went on. That winter was a sweet time for us as a couple. Next time, I’ll tell you more about that, and the amazing things God did in our marriage.