Thursday, September 4, 2014

Sad Days

I am so weary today. So tired of pain. It is always with me, no matter what I am doing. I try to forget about it, try not to think about it, try not to worry, obsess and scheme about it, but it is so relentless in its demand for attention, that this is an almost impossible task. I do many things to take care of my body, and to maintain the function that the Lord has granted me. I am grateful that He has provided these modalities that help keep the pain at a level that allows me to function in the roles He has graciously given me. But these things seem burdensome at times. They eat up many hours each week. This is time that I would rather spend almost any other way. Yet, I dutifully perform these things, because I know that without them I would be in much worse shape.

I want to be thankful for these things the Lord has provided for me, and I truly am. But some days, like today, when I am weary of the pain and anxious about the future, I cry out to the Lord this question that seems to be always burning in my heart: "Why, Lord? Why are you willing to provide these things to help relieve some of my pain, but not the one big thing that would make them unnecessary?" That one big thing is, of course, healing from the cause of my pain. Why did He not prevent that surgeon from botching this procedure so badly? Why did He allow other injuries to happen along the way as I tried to rehab from it? Why not just let the surgery go well in the first place, so I could move on with my life without this pain, serving Him comfortably?  I will probably never get an answer to these questions in this life. Apparently, the Lord has ordained this suffering for me, for His own reasons. A wise friend once said to me, "God is God and He does what He pleases with what is His." I know that this is true, and I love my Father. He is good, merciful, kind, and loving. I don't doubt any of that. I also know that many good things have come from all of this, and that God has been glorified in them. But, I hurt. And today, I'm tired of hurting.

So, friend, what do we do with this ache in our heart, this unanswered question? How do we keep going when all we really want to do is find a position that doesn't hurt and stay in it? My honest answer to you is, I don't know. Sometimes, we just have to cry and be sad. We will not always be able to turn these weary days around. I have been in the Word this morning, and I have talked with the Lord about it, but there has been no epiphany, no sudden 180 degree turnaround in my thinking. I am simply sad today, and my Friend understands. Jesus was terribly grieved at the pain He saw all around Him. He understood grief better than anyone ever has. And He understands my grief. He weeps with me, and comforts me. He tells me in His Word about the many who have gone limping before me into eternity, and He shows me their example of faith. Best of all, He tells me of Heaven, where there will be no tears, no pain, and no grief. Today, I will think of Heaven, look forward to being with my Lord, and trust in Him.

Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens,
 Jesus the Son of God, 
let us hold fast our confession.
For we do hot have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses,
but was in all points tempted as we are, 
yet without sin.
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, 
that we may obtain mercy 
and find grace to help in time of need.
Hebrews 4: 14-16